HAPPY BIRTHDAY to this lovely lady, my favorite mother-in-law, Mary. Kind, generous, and always looking out for her family’s well-being.
In honor of this special occasion, allow me to share some of the wit and wisdom that we’ve been so blessed with over the years:
* Put your socks on, or you’re gonna get sick.
* Most any ailment can be cured through prayer and running up and down the steps a few times a day.
* If the above doesn’t work, put a little spit on it.
* Any tests the doctor performs other than taking your blood pressure and checking the back of your throat with a tongue depressor is a racket. You probably have good insurance. Don’t fall for it.
* Fun fact: most fire trucks racing by with their lights and sirens on are actually on their way to the grocery store. They just don’t like stopping for all of those lights.
* When unwrapping a gift, SAVE THE PAPER to re-use. If you choose not to, you must be doing very well for yourself.
* Fun food fact: If you wipe off potato chips with a paper towel before you eat them, it removes ALL of the cholesterol your doctor told you to avoid.
* When you’re smart, you’re smart, and when you’re stupid, you’re stupid.
* There is absolutely no need to cook a big holiday meal. Just order pizza.
* If you do cook a big holiday meal, you’re crazy, because everyone would be just as happy with McDonald’s. (Say this immediately after your plate of exquisite food is put in front of you.)
* Whenever a flashing pop-up warning suddenly comes up on your computer that tells you to click this important link right away, just go ahead and click it. Yes, you know it could be a virus. But click it anyway. See what happens.
* When your computer stops working, just call your son. Tell him the whole story, repeating the important pop-up message that insisted you click the link. When he reminds you that you should NEVER click on pop-up windows, tell him, “Well I did it already.” Keep repeating the message that appeared in the pop-up window until he agrees it wasn’t a bad idea to click it.
* Always stock up on Entenmann’s pound cake, because you never know when your son might be stopping by to fix your computer.
* When you see your granddaughters, notice out loud how nice their asses look in those jeans.
* Always ask them if they have a boyfriend.
* If they say No, assure them that with an ass like that, it shouldn’t take long before they do have one.
* Babies sleep best face down, on their stomachs, with a bottle of milk. Once they reach 10lbs, put cereal in the bottle, too. Don’t listen to what your doctor says–the baby is hungry.*
* When you take the baby for a walk, always face the carriage towards the sun. It makes them shut their eyes and take a nap. You’re welcome.*
* When shopping in a high-end clothing store, be sure to stop at each rack and feel the material between your fingers. You need to see if it’s good quality or that cheap stuff from overseas that they mark up.
* Put an ice cube in your red wine, even if it’s a special Barolo your son-in-law has been saving for a special occasion. It lasts longer.
* Yes, you CAN get two uses out of those little K-cups . They just don’t want you to know that.
* Don’t like getting older? Wait, it gets worse.
*No, I didn’t take this advice when I was raising my girls…and you shouldn’t either!