I went swimsuit shopping today.

Ugh.

I’d been dreading it and putting it off for weeks now, but with our vacation coming up in a few days (another cruise…details to follow), I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I’ve put on some weight in the last couple of years, and none of my old bathing suits are flattering anymore, so off I went.

I should confess, I tried picking up a few suits “off the rack” about a week ago at Kohl’s, but when I got them home, they looked horrid. Truly. I knew I had to bite the bullet and actually try stuff on under the harsh florescent lights of the fitting room.

Oh, and lest we forget: the three-sided dressing room mirror that shows your butt from every possible angle.

I found myself intrigued by something called the “Miracle Suit.” It claims to give the wearer the ability to “Look 10lbs Lighter in 10 minutes.” Oh really? This I gotta try.

The “secret” to the suit’s purported slimming ability is that it has three times the amount of tummy-tucking spandex.

The selection at Macy’s wasn’t bad, but I found the jungle print patterns on some of the suits a bit too over-the-top for me. Is it possible for a swimsuit to scream “camoflauge” and “Hey, everyone on the beach, LOOK AT ME” at the same time?

With a mixture of trepidation and hope, I took three swimsuits into the dressing room. The first one I tried on was a blue and white nautical-inspired one-piece. I must admit, from the front, I looked pretty darn good. It certainly lived up to its promise to slim the tummy area, that’s for sure.

Then I turned around. Oh dear.

Those extra few pounds that were whittled off my waistline reappeared unceremoniously out the back of the swimsuit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking some serious back fat that was NOT there before I put the suit on. What the heck?

Strike one.

Next up: a shirred one-piece in solid black with a higher back than the first suit. It was just okay–not bad, but not incredibly flattering either. The worst part was that the spandex in the front was so super-strong, it squashed my bustline into two sad little pancakes. Not the look I was hoping for.

Strike two.

Finally, I tried on a two-piece tankini. I resisted that one at first, because it had a floral print that reminded me of the curtains we used to have in my childhood living room in the early 70s. Nevertheless, I was running out of options, so I gave it a go.

Fortunately for me, the planets all seemed to align this time, and the suit was a keeper. The bottoms (in solid black) had just enough coverage to keep things modest, without subjecting me to one of those hideous you’re-not-fooling-anyone skirt attachments. The neckline had a much better built-in bra than the previous suit, so the girls weren’t squashed beyond recognition. And, I must admit, the nostalgic floral print wasn’t all that bad.

Sold!

If you’re curious to check out the Miracle Suit collection, you can view it here: www.miraclesuit.com