After all the hype for Latin Music Week (JLo in da house!) you had to know there was no way the show could live up to it all.

Sure enough: tonight’s show fell flatter than a tortilla.

Melinda went first, singing “Sway” with all of the oomph and excitement of Applesauce Night at the local Senior Center. Randy and Paula trotted out their usual gushy compliments, but Simon hit the nail on the head when he told MindyDoo he didn’t like it, and found it “lazy” and “boring.”

Lakisha was up next, and girl needs to fire the stylist who squeezed her into that horrid red and black ruffled number. UGH. She had fun singing “Conga” but I was so distracted by her exposed boobs (looming large front and center while she sang) that I could barely pay attention to her performance. The judges were underwhelmedk too (Randy and Paula said it was “fun”, but Simon mused that it probably wasn’t nearly as much fun for the folks at home watching).

Chris sang Smooth, and JLo’s contribution to his performance was to get him to sing it in a higher key. Didn’t help…he still sounded nasally and whiny for most of the song, but hit his stride at the end when he got out from behind the mike and started dancing. Randy said he did a good job, Paula was all hot and bothered (her drooling over Chris is getting a little embarrassing already), and Simon praised him for sounding “more contemporary” than the previous two performers.

Haley came out in yet another hooker-for-hire outfit and butchered “Turn the Beat Around” with her paper thin, breathless vocals. Randy’s groan was priceless: “Uhhhhhhhhhh……Gawwwwd….keepin’ it real…it was karaoke.” Paula agreed it “wasn’t a singer’s song” and Simon called her out on her transparent tactic of “wearing as little as possible every week because you can’t get votes based on your vocals.” Ouch! The truth hurts!!

Phil chose Santana’s “Oh Maria”, and the smartest choice he made tonight was wearing a hat that covered half his face. Way to go, Phil! It was a so-so performance, good but not great, and as Simon pointed out, “There was nothing original about it.”

Jordin sang “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” and did some runs at the end that gave the song her own stamp. Again, Randy and Paula threw out some useless comments (That was hot, you’re adorable) and Simon was forced to play the bad guy when he pointed out that there was nothing stunning about the performance–or any of the other performances thus far tonight. Yawwwwn.

Blake, where o’ where has the beatbox gone? If ever there was a night to trot it out, this was it, but sadly, he didn’t comply. I thought his version of “I Need to Know” was whiny and sharp, and that his clothes looked rumpled and goofy. The judges tripped all over themselves to rave that he made the perfect song choice, and was the best of the night. Was I watching the same performance?

Last but certainly not least, we had Sanjaya, sporting a skeevy goatee and curly locks while staring longingly into the camera. Bleh. He sang a sappy ballad but “wasn’t horrible” according to Simon, and I agree.

The entire night was a colossal borefest.